Whine No. 96 -Minor Irritation...

Blogs (and websites) that have a programmed feature that traps you on their page annoy the fuck outa me.

You check over the site... meh... boring... try to back-click out and ...nothing. You're screwed.

The only way out of it is to close the screen entirely.

If you found the blog/site while web hopping, you're doubly screwed because you will never ever find that rather interesting site that led you to the boring one again.

Popup windows that won't fucking close out piss me off even more.

Whine No. 97: A Touch of Troll

Okay-dokey, this mega-whine is going to be short and sweet.
I hate...really hate... HATE, HATE, HATE, HAAAATTTTTEEEEEEE being the last commentor on a post.
It's like being the troll woman that scared off all the other kiddies from the playground.
Including the playground superintendent.

Was that last comment so unworthy that it forced everyone to move on?
Or maybe it was so stoopid it left everyone speechless.
Or perhaps it was so fecking brilliant that it left everyone speechless.
Point is... everyone is left speechless.

And the lone commentor, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for someone (anyone) to acknowledge and validate their cleverness is out in the cold, feeling like the 13th cat in the ninth litter - unloved and unnoticed.

What's really sucky is if you were the only one that bothered to comment and ya STILL fell into the black hole.
I think we need to start up a service of blog therapists. We could make a KILLING.

**Qualifier - I'm not referring to comments on a post several days or weeks old.**

Whine No. 98: Where I make up my own labels

New seasons of really good tv shows just suck. Now while I'm an impatient sonofabitch and just download the entire season rather than wait for Star World to show it, I have to name a few shows in particular.

30 Rock.
Out of the nine episodes they've released so far, they're primarily bullshit. Alec Baldwin isn't being condescending enough, Tracy Morgan isn't kooky enough, and Tina Fey isn't insecure enough beyond the first episode. They're using way too many guest celebrities which just aren't bringing much meat into the show, and the dialog and scripting is just plain weak. Granted there have been a few excellent moments, such as when Gore tears off his jacket and runs to save a whale (akin to "I'm being totally serial, that's a manbearpig!" from southpark). Overall, the episodes have just seemed far too rushed and vegetarian.

Scrubs
The seventh season has yielded 6 episodes so far, due to the WGA strike, and they lack the flavor that I associate with the brilliant show that I've religiously watched for the last six seasons. John McGinley's too mellow, Zach Braff's been turning into a giant pussy all of season six, and Donald Faison's turning increasingly white. The janitor (Niel Flynn) is too nice, and Carla (Judy Reyes), when visible, suffers from a new form of PMS, Perpetual Menstrual Syndrome. One of the only truly good moments so far from season seven would be when Colin Hay pops out of Dr. Kim's womb. But one good moment in six episodes of scrubs does not an honest comedy make.

South Park
Trey Parker and Matt Stone haven't lived up to the mark with season 11. They changed Cartman's voice, which in itself alters the very fabric of South Park, and just like with 30 Rock, there's no actual meat to any of the episodes. Cartman's apple juice farts were classic, but they just didn't take the bigotry far enough. An entire episode about shit was truly the nail in season 11's stinky coffin. It was just disappointing.

How I met Your Mother
I just put this in here to justify my labels, there's nothing wrong with this show. Also, I have a lovely butt.

Whine No. 99: Delayed Whine

I apologise for bringing the subject up now we'd all forgotten about it but I forgot that I was a Professional Whiner and had taken to whining on my own inconsequential blog. For the benefit of the whining community I therefore reproduce it here.

Right. I've had enough. From now on I will be campaigning to abolish Christmas unless there is a 95% chance of snow. Once again we have had to endure weeks of endless Winter Wonderland hype, building up to a day that was as dreary and forgettable as any other.

And, to rub salt into my crispy golden skin, the marketing Gods have persisted with this crap over the entire period in the full knowledge that we know it's all a hoax. Why they just can't be honest and say "Look – we need to shift some sofas. Perhaps you'd like a new one to cheer you up after a thoroughly shit festive season?" rather than creating some stupid-arsed penguin concept, which supposedly is some kind of alternative take on the whole lame, wintery myth.

Well, it's all shit.
Unfortunately this whine hasn't made me feel any better.

Whine No. 100: Whining about the Rez Crowd

Hi there. I just got invited to whine here whenever I want.
I think Scritch has gone insane.
My MO has been to get KICKED off blogs, not get invited to contribute.
I'm not sure what to do with these warm fuzzy feeling I have right now.

Since Scritch stole my bitch about shopping (even though yesterday I DID get a to-die-for jacket for $35 instead of paying $140 for it) I'm going to whine about the Rez Crowd.

No, not my Peeps on the Rez. I'm talking about the New Year's Resolution Crowd.
The "Interfering with My Normally Scheduled Work Out" crowd.
They start converging on the gyms about three weeks before Christmas. Those are the optimistic "I really mean it and am going to start early this year" group. Bless their deluded black souls. Then we have the majority that hits the gyms starting January 2nd.
And keeps all the equipment and trainers and towels tied up until around February 1st.
It really begins to die back down to normal around Valentine's day.
The gyms love it. It keeps them in the black for most of the year.
The regulars hate it.
We have to either work around the Resolutionists, or hang loose until February.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get back into a work out schedule after playing hookie for 6 weeks?
What about you? What New Year Resolutions make you crazy?

Whine No. 101

101 Supremely Annoying & Whing-worthy Things

Fellow whiners, moaners and groaners: Lets get the ball rolling in the new year.

No more whining in a vague way about your laundry. Oh I had to do laundry today boo hoo so tired boo hoo. Fuck that no one cares.

Unless the machine accidentally clipped your finger in half, which then bled all over your whites ruining your fiancee's wedding dress, following which your cat then got trapped in the dryer. If you then go on to whine about the catering at kitty funerals now that would be a good whine.

So how about this fellow whiners?

We take it in turns to add to a list of a 101 things that annoy, enrage you daily, weekly, monthly or yearly. I resolve to whine much more frequently.

If we take it in turns this blog will be elevated from the dreary hum-drum level of whining it is at now.

Number 101 :

Xmas shopping. Its hardly a original whine.
People having been whining about his for generations, for eons.
But its a start to the 101 list at the very lest and one closest to home currently.

Buying Xmas gifts for loved ones...
You're always told by them:
"Oh I'm so easy to buy for there are so many things you could get me , as long as its not..."
clothes
jewelry
shoes
smellies
perfumes
soaps
candles
accessories
bags

Good grief. How can you win?

"Possibly buy me household goods, but only the ones that match my interior decor and make sure you decipher the code of my varied taste of course. Why can't you get it right? Why?? I buy you things don't I??"

Yes but I'm poor and very easily pleased. What can I say?

Which leads neatly me on to my next whine.

Oxford fucking Street. Fuck me. I just want to walk down the street ramming people around me with my elbows because I hate every single one of them.

Oxford street tube has a particularly evil trait during peak hours. Whenever you really really need the tube: Its been a long day at work, you're laden with packages, desperately want to go home, need a piss so badly you could happily let it drip down your leg and freeze there into a lovely yellow icicle...

The tube workers manage foot flow by shutting the gates and allowing only a thin trickle of people through to prevent over crowding. Yes yes its Health and Safety I get it, but still when you have a laptop, 3 gifts and have tramped up and down Regent and Oxford Street unsuccessfully looking for a size 3 shoe and then are forced to wait outside in the fucking cold until the gates open, its damn bloody annoying.

I hate Xmas shopping.

And then of course by Xmas day you've fucked it all up with your gifts that you bought mostly thinking about how fast you could get home and end up and feeling wretched about your rotten present which has been cast aside due to its heinous unsuitability.

And so just as the sales are in full swing off you have to trot back to return it all. What a fucking waste of time. I wish you could just boycott actual Xmas on the 25th and celebrate mid-sale. Nothing worse than seeing what you spent a fortune on at 75% off.

Sigh

Xmas

What a load of.....

OK thats 101 done so who's next?

No one's fucking whining damnit.